Panic! at a Christmas event | EVERYTHING IS DEEP

That time I dressed up to an event full of people wearing normal clothes.

I recently went to a Christmas-themed event for work, and was told to dress up ‘Christmassy’. As someone who actually LOVES dressing up for events, whether it is for concerts, festive events or themed parties, it is only natural that I take this seriously. In hindsight, perhaps I took it a little too seriously… I put on the most Christmassy outfit I could find in my small wardrobe: red jumper, red and white engineer-striped overalls, white hijab and black boots. From the description, it’s blatantly clear that my outfit inspiration was essentially Santa Claus himself because, let me remind you, it was a Christmas-themed event. So you can imagine the alarms blazing in my head when I showed up to work that day being the only person who understood ‘dressed up’ differently. To add more salt in my already gaping wound, nobody else dressed up except for the Santa Claus and Santarina who came as one of the entertainers of the evening.

Naturally, I started to freak out.

All of the sudden, I was very much aware of myself and the noticeable dissonance between myself and everybody around me from the clothes that we were all wearing. Despite being told that my outfit ‘looks good’, it didn’t exactly matter because my mind was already set that I was severely overdressed.

The question I would like to pose about this: why did this bother me so much?

Growing up a sheltered child, I was taught to always blend in. Be invisible. Stay muted, both in vibrancy and volume. When the attention gets too overwhelming, I would start sinking into my own skin, like a tortoise sprinting back into its shell at the slightest hint of danger. Because of this, I tend to get myself in situations where I have full control of how I present myself, and the reactions that I’m about to get.

In the case of the Christmas event, I can only control what I wear, but I cannot control the reactions that I’m going to get from the people who saw me in my outfit. I don’t know if anyone is whispering behind my back to other people about what I’m wearing, I don’t know what is being said in those conversations. I don’t even know if anyone was talking about it. At least nobody did to my face, which is good enough in my books.

As a matter of fact, I did somewhat enjoy the event. I knew almost no one there, so it forced me to do small talks, which I have never been good at (but considering my job and what it entails, I’m going to have to start practicing). My table had really nice people sitting with me and I’m grateful for that. I didn’t even think about my outfit the entire time. The dread that I felt the whole day alleviated almost immediately.

I don’t think I’m the right person to give out tips on how to overcome this looming dread of self-esteem issues, because I still live with it. However, if there was anything that helped me get through the day with anyone with sight being able to see my outfit: do not look at anyone in the eye. Make it seem like you meant to wear the outfit on purpose. Pretend like you’re busy checking emails, look around and read notice boards. Full disclosure: this obviously doesn't help with boosting your confidence but it helps mask the anxiety, make it less noticeable to you and to other people. ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ kind of mindset.

If you ever find yourself in a situation or the headspace like this, you’re not the only one. And here’s a lesson that I also learned that day: nobody cares about you at all. Everyone is upsettingly busy in their own heads, just like you, just like me. Even if they talk about you, honestly…who cares? You’re having way more fun and it shows. That’s way better than trying to fit in and being miserable in the process.

You’ve got this, (even if you don’t think you do)
qistella.